I have write this letter ten times now, rewrite, overthinking…today is Easter, yesterday night the souls resuttected…
i decide to post it.
A dedication to the love of my life…my grandma.
It was saturday, i was in my day work, suddenly a thought pass through my mind without reason…”How is grandma?”
I call mom ( we talk rarely.)
-Hello, how is grandma?
– Ah,you know…she answered.
I start screaming…( she used to lie to me, plus hide me the truth, so don’t hurt me as she says…but the result is one…lies.(this is a reason we talk rarely.))
– Why u answer me like this, no i dont know…what happen?
-She fell down… (silence)
A giddines pass through my eyes…I wished so much to be wrong,my all existence reacts, like trying an astral travel to be with her…
I close the phone, I take the first bus to my village.
Totally anxious…4 hours trip,i start cheking my phone.I see,it was a client the last two days that i keep ignoring…he wrote me persistently ” Hey Katerina…when i will get you for shoping?!”…
Obviously…im not the one he is looking for, but Katerina is the name of my grandma.
I freeze, was like all sides of my life try to warn me.
I said inside me: “You should be ready.”
but the same time strongly denied it.
So focused…i push the bell.
Mom opens…my eyes gone straight away to grandma…and stay…stay…
She couldn’t talk anymore,she only drank water,she looked at you but she didn’t see you…
Last stage of demetria.
Walking closer to her… I start talk her…touching her…tried to feel her, tried to feel me…she touch me back, my eyes floed waves of tears…still do.
Time…desperately all my senses trying to catch any of the time left to us…
Her moves was akward and without reason…like a babes moves.
That moment i was the “grandmother”…hits me deeply…i stay there hugged her all night.
Maybe she would felt my love and the morning everything will turn back to ok, trying to convince myself foolishly, but still didn’t quit.
In the daylight of 5a.m. deeply tired physically and emotionally went to bed.
After 2 hours mom knock the door…she come inside.
– “I think grandma died.”, she said…
– ” ok,” I replied.
I was listening from my room they was planned the funeral…they had to go out.
(I’m an introvert, hardly i express my feelings,my grandma always felt me, our connection was special!)
I was waiting…
After some time heard the sound of main door closed, silence…
I was sad and in the same time anxious, first time i would see dead, what when this dead was my closest person in the world…
I knew now we were only Us…
Slowly slowly i was walking to her…i had her infront of me…looked so calm, so peacful…
She was beautiful…weird…i thought!
Like i shouldn’t worry…she will be ok.
The only thing i knew was that I will miss her, more than anything else…
I kissed her forehead and I goodbye her.
After the funeral i left back to Athens.
Stoped working from the time i went to village, coming back the lockdown of covid-19.
I used to described my life as “lonely” cause of my lifestyle…now how i suppose to describe it?! ha…thats life i think!
So…Lockdown..!More time to think…flash memories…sorrow…but insist to keep a good idea in my mind, that in some way she is here, has an eye on me an i have to be good for her!
I had certain people i admire in my life…from college to work…from friendships to love…
If i ever choose to be someone i would love to be SHE…
The young girl from village…beautiful and friendly…married and mother of three…passed war,working all day to put food on the table (grandpa was sick, died before i born), I can vividly remember her sweet perfume, (she was a coquette until her lasts)…the warm accent she spoke with…her gentle smile and the many times she told me that the man you will marry should loves you.
Traditional (every sunday in church,fasting) but in the same time so infront her generation,restless…the godfather of the family.
She was a scorpio too!
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
And last for a lifetime
And never let go ’til we’re gone
One true time I’d hold to
In my life we’ll always go on
I believe that the heart does go on…
Due the middle of this lockdown, i will be honest, i tried to find an escape in my work…especially throught Tantra…(it helps me in the past with break ups)…this time No.
Went throught a break up some months ago…too much chaos inside me…so i prefer to distance myself general and concentrate about my wants, my goals and my dreams when this lockdown takes over!
Home now, almost 2 months after her loss…i think i handle it quite well.I start build a more optimistic perspective of life…relaxing and more empathy…
Putting real effort for the people i value in my life, become more compassionate and stayed in the core of my inner realm.
In the other side i cut some more and distance a lot!You don’t need a lot baby…you need the right ones!END.
They say, its a survival instict to when you loss something to try to replace it…
I’m in the state of searching…in prepearation…with a full awareness and intention…
The deeper the best…the more involved the greater…
When a death comes, a birth awaits…
She wishes too for sure for me.
P.S.: “I love you.”
(she used to call me)